You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘Humor’ tag.

 

Son of a gun!  What?  Who’s the other parent?

Colder  than a witch’s tit!  Really?  I guess I haven’t known any witches very well…..

Dumber than  a doorknob!    Seriously?  How smart is someone who gives IQ tests to doorknobs?

Hotter than hell!  If you know this, how did you get back here?

Out of his mind.  Where, exactly, would that be?  Maybe in my mind?  Perhaps he planted the strategy I’ve “discovered” for tomorrow’s footrace:  take it out slow, then try to hold on!  Help!

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The dynamic duo!  No mountain is too tall for this tandem!  Nothing could stop us!  On Saturday, we picked up our race packets, fancy new running shoes and shorts.  My new shoes are red and Annie’s are peach.  Our personalities don’t really lean towards blending in with the wall.  Play the cards you’re dealt!  For dinner, we enjoyed great company at Barb & Ryan’s home and loaded up on Annie’s delightful creations:  avocado pesto over whole wheat pasta, with a side of roasted vegetables dusted with parmesan and feta.  Finishing with Weight Watchers frozen confections, we were ready for rest and rejuvenation.  Bring on Bloomsday!

Sunday morning arrived.  It was race day!  Let’s get to it!  A few nervous pre-race thoughts threatened to attack, but we were very calm.  We enjoyed a perfect breakfast of bananas, Annie’s homemade whole wheat bread with almond butter and jelly, a little coffee/cola and orange juice.  We enjoyed a relaxed drive down to park the car and then jogged slowly to warm up, in the cool shade of tall buildings.  We arrived in time to wait for the porta pottys, do our business and jog to our starting spot, just a few minutes before the start!  Sweet destiny!  Just like Saturday, when we found an open parking spot very near the entrance to the parking garage, immediately in front of our destination.  God seems to enjoy teaching the beauty of going with the flow.  ( :

The flow didn’t seem to be working when the race started!  We had WAY too many people to pass, so the early downhill miles took longer than we had planned.  Our strategy was to go out fast, on the easy miles, then hold on at the end.  Oh well!  Acceptance again saved us.  Annie didn’t even see the guy hurling on the bridge; she was fully involved in running the best possible race that she could.  Exactly like she lives her life.  Yay! 

We were so focused on our path through the maze of people that we missed a lot of the distractions.  I did offer a half-dozen raised arms salutes to the up tempo bands, as well as multiple wild screams to set the mood.  Hey!  Have fun or go home!

I remembered two hills on the course, but in truth there are four.  Two of them are doozies!  The smaller two just suck a bit of energy out of you.  The last hill is called “Doomsday” hill, and it is as merciless as its name.  It’s a ratbastard of a cruel joke, punishing participants about 4.7 – 5.2 miles into the race.  Annie and I were committed to running as a team, and I let her make the call on how to approach our doom.  One of my best laughs of the day was watching Annie’s speed walk up Doomsday overtaking someone’s running pace.  Annie’s 34 inch inseam challenged my 32 inch legs, so I had to jog a bit to stay up with her.  Not fair!

The best part of the race for our egos was after we summited Doomsday.  Annie and I passed a LOT of people over the last two miles of the race, including a frenzied, climactic last quarter-mile.  We sprinted down the hill with clasped and upraised hands at the finish, relishing our successful teamwork!  ( :

After finishing, we could relax.  One of the most amazing sights was green man!  Sporting a body that rivaled Under Amour mannequins, he was completely covered with a fine green netting, plus black running shorts.   He said that trying to get a drink of water into his mouth through the netting was nearly impossible.   I can picture the entertainment!

Our return walk to the car offered soreness, gratitude, relief and accomplishment.  We were glad that we ran the race, and immediately made plans to run again next year, perhaps a bit faster and a little smarter.  We can do this!  ( :

Ouch!  It’s been a while since walking hurt like this!  My quadriceps muscles are so sore!  My calves are so tight!  At least they take my mind off the blisters on my feet!  What a good time.  Seriously!  Maybe it was the half-dozen large speakers strapped to the top of a van, blaring inspirational music.  The yells of encouragement, the personal challenge, the elaborate costumes, the sense of accomplishment, the beautiful sunshine, the frozen yogurt afterward: they all added up to pleasure!  Bonding with Annie (daughter) & Zach (son-in-law), working the crowds at the exchange points, praising the youngsters who passed me by: I felt connected.  It was a fun day!  The excruciating walking today is worth it.  It really is.  That was the first time I’ve run six miles of serious downhill, for a total of 7.9 miles.  1,700 feet of elevation loss made my legs rubbery; I’ve done many longer runs, but this was the hardest “wall” I’ve hit so far.  I was humbled as my cross training plan, built around foot and ankle troubles, seemed to wilt.  I simply had to go lay down for a while.  Eat.  Drink.  Bathe.  Drink.  Stumble/waddle.  Eat.  Drink!  Then, return to the course to cheer some more!  Go healthy people!!!  ( :

I observed myself in the mirror after my lengthy workout today and saw the makings of a six-pack!  Are the months of hard training paying off?  Wait a minute.  I guess it’s really my aging eyes hallucinating on fat rolls.  Oh well!

I know this devotion to exercise must be making me stronger.  It has to!  But it feels more like a sore right elbow, painful left foot and aching right ankle.  Is this how it’s supposed to feel?  Frankly, I was hoping for something a little more joyous!

One of the main reasons I work out regularly is for my mental health.  It’s working!  It ‘s a damn good thing too.  Otherwise, would heavy sweating, labored breathing, aching muscles and a pervasive stench of sweat be considered a good time?

I’m afraid to miss my workouts.  I know how easy it has been in the past to slip back into less activity.  Physical health lessens.  Mental health slips away.  Pizzas replace push ups.  Chocolate substitutes for endorphins.  Rationalization reigns.  NO!  I don’t want THAT again.  So I’ll err on the side of overactivity.  I’ll keep time for God, before everything else, but the deep cleaning can wait.  It’ll just get dirty again!!!

I sure picked well last time!  My 1990 Corolla All-Trac wagon has been awesome.  All of the plastic is breaking off, but it’s running strong after 238,000+ miles.  There are a few tricks, like lifting part of the female seat belt connector, to coax her into accepting the male.  Is that a life lesson?  If you want to add gas without help, you’d better have an old-fashioned coat hanger.  Want to open the hood?  Give the hood release cable a little extra tug.  Adjusting the heating or air conditioning in the dark?  I hope you’ve memorized the controls!  Slide the front passenger seat ahead?  Not any more.  Run the rear wiper?  You’ll be okay without it.  Old cars raise our ability to appreciate things.  I just installed new wiper blades.  It felt like a new car!  Last month’s new headlamps were equally impressive.  Both paled in comparison to the new spark plugs and spark plug wires that Nick and I installed last summer.  It ran like new again!  Yippee!  Every day I drive it I probably save about $20 in new car payments.  I know it won’t run forever.  I like the idea of a new vehicle.  The designers have dreamed up some really cool features!  I probably deserve them.  Yet Little Blue packs a lot of cool memories for me.  I’ve owned her through a wife, a near wife, multiple other girlfriends and all of my two kids’ lives.  She’s taken me on hundreds of amazing adventures, like mountain biking, cross-country skiing, alpine skiing, backpacking, snow-shoeing, Christmas tree hunting, camping, kayaking, football games, foot races, family gatherings, etc.  Anyone think I can pick as well again?

Dang!  Is my dreaded plantar fasciitis back?  I was noticing pain in the ball of my foot.  Now it’s in the heel.  Seems familiar.  Dang!  I love to run!  I committed to teammates to run in a 100k relay (http://www.palouseroadrunners.org/RunningRoutes/WSU-100kMap.htm) in a couple of weeks.  I’ve planned to run Bloomsday (http://www.bloomsdayrun.org/) with Annie (http://fitnessaficionada.wordpress.com/) also; it’s really a fun and challenging experience.  Can I hop on one foot for 7.46 miles?  Am I now eligible for the wheelchair division?  Perhaps Annie will push me in a stroller?  I’m guessing not, for some reason.  Is this self-pity?  Am I spoiled?  Hey, I recently heard about the local woman who qualified for the Boston Marathon: she became injured and is doing all cross training before her big race.  No running, just swimming and other things to stay in shape.  I could do jaw crunches!  It’ll put those dark chocolate covered fruits from Costco to good use!  I really should get some credit for those arm curls too, lifting those healthy nuggets to my strenuously exercising mouth.  Hey!  Maybe saliva is really just jaw muscle sweat!  Yes, this plan is truly coming together.  I could mix in yoga poses; I’m adept at “corpse” and my personally adapted specialty, “lazy dog.”  I could also “run” a bath, “lift” a huge cup of coffee and “stretch” my mind with some new movies.  I can’t wait to see how much my metabolism rises!

frankoshanko

I love health, humor, adventure, exercise, romance and competition. Well, I just love life! ( :

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